(what follows is a public attempt to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, in which I refer to myself in the second person and blame Doctor Who for a lot of my “problems”)
Blogging world, sorry I haven’t posted in so long. Friends, sorry I’ve been so awkward to talk to for the past few weeks. Self, sorry I haven’t ran “for real” at all since my 5k and am not doing so hot in terms of my attempted strength training regimen. Mother Dearest, sorry I’ve left the house in a state of bedlam and clutter and have conveniently forgotten every single dish I dirty and leave in the sink. Sunshine, sorry I’ve stayed inside practically 24/7 instead of venturing out and enjoying your preciousness, and Vitamin D output. Self, sorry I’ve made you subsist on a diet of mainly cereal, coffee, and egg burritos for the past week.
Part of this was due to the fact that, some of the time, I was actually being productive!–working on projects and organizing and journaling and meditating and all that jazz. The other part was due to none other than sheer laziness. And the fact that I was marathoning Doctor Who. (MUST CATCH UP TO CURRENT SEASON)
TGITO–look, your life isn’t that hard. You are SO INCREDIBLY PRIVILEGED and you’re surrounded by AMAZING PEOPLE and you live in SUCH A STATE OF CUSHY COMFORT I don’t even know how you have the gall to waste a single day of your fluffy life. Money isn’t an issue. Neither are resources or outlets or activities to occupy your time with. So when you sit around on your lazy bum all day just lamenting about things that are WITHIN YOUR CAPABILITY to change, I find it hard to muster up any sympathy for you. Nobody’s going to come running when you ring a little bell on your nightstand, no one’s going to be able to put in treadmill time “for you” just so you can feel better about yourself while continuing to scarf junk food and Netflix binge, what’d you expect??
This past week, you seem to have been undergoing a Great Introversion, which I have to say I don’t approve of. I’ll give you some credit–you’re insecure, you’re frickin’ terrified of starting up at a new public school and feeling like a bright orange guppy in an enclosed tank of dead-eyed sharks, and part of this is probably just some teenage hormone crap which makes you want to hole up with your laptop, hiss at the sunbeams that filter in through your curtains, and lash out at anyone who opens your door. And feel sorry for yourself because you’re not doing anything, but at the same time it’s oddly soothing to curl up in your little hole of bitchiness. Put the claws away, girl. The world is not out to get you and you’re more than capable of facing it at its worst and embracing it at its best.
Where’s that bright and bubbly, chipper teen girl who revels in spreading Citrus spirit and isn’t afraid of what people think of her? Where’s that strong-headed girl who can push herself through anything, be it a grueling run, a dramatic day at school, 1,667 words a day, or 5 hours of continuous exam cramming? Why are you letting her hide away in a tower of your own construction made out of junk food and insecurity? The world wants her back. You want her back, admit it, you’re just afraid of the work it will take.
Wah, wah, yes, I know, TGITO, some things are hard and you’re tired and you know you should be running or creating or something but you’d much rather be drinking tea in your pajamas and watching Doctor Who.
You have the power and the means to be a totally awesome person, so don’t sell yourself short. Yeah, it’ll take work, but you’ve never let a little dirt on your skirt scare ya, have you? Stop focusing on the immediate gratification and work on shaping yourself for the long haul–because with a little luck, you’re in this for it.
This has been a note to self.